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I’m watching Bo Burnham’s first comedy special “Words words words” on my phone and, much as I love it, it’s making me a little bit melancholy. Forgive me.

I love my fiance’. Obviously. If I didn’t then he wouldn’t be my fiance’. But he’s not entirely’ the person I would have thought I would have ended up with.

I thought I would end up with a musician. I really miss being with musicians. I shouldn’t. The musicians I dated were all selfish, narcissistic, cheaters. I try not to hold that against musicians as a whole. But there does seem to be a cliche…

What I liked though was having music in the house. Having someone playing guitar or piano or singing. Writing lyrics. I don’t have the talent to be a musician myself. I can sing and I can play piano but I’m not spectacular. Good enough for myself and that’s about it. Both of my sisters are amazing.

I’m not who I wanted to be either. I wanted to be an artist too. I used to consider myself an artist. I used to write. I could see things so vividly.

I love what I do, even if I don’t love where I do it at this moment, but it’s not my ‘dream.’ It wasn’t my plan.

I don’t miss my ex. He was horrible to me for four years and I took it because it’s what I thought I was supposed to do.

But I miss our life as artists together.  I miss having someone who’s brain worked like mine to bounce ideas off of. I’ve been trying to rework one of my novels lately and I just can’t get there. I need a sounding board.

Sometimes we would sit on our couch or at my computer desk for hours and bounce ideas off of each other. He would play me music and I would bounce ideas for stories off of him and I would be so filled with adrenaline and ideas I would literally be shaking.

I loved going to band practice and watching them collaborate and I loved being around his creative friends and listening to what they were working on.

I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

I love my life. Don’t mistake me. Steve makes me laugh all the time. He’s smart and he’s kind and he takes care of me. He puts me before himself constantly. I love him.

I just miss being an artist and I miss being around artists. I’m being nostalgic. I have a career. I love working with animals and it’s fascinating work. It doesn’t get boring as long as I can keep moving.

I’m just in a very different place then I wanted to be…I’m a very different person than I wanted to be when I turned 27.

 

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