I have been deep deep in the throws of depression lately. Barely able to move or breathe, wondering if there was any point to moving or breathing. I haven’t gotten out of bed much in the last week. Even with Christmas around-usually my favorite time of year-there just hasn’t been much to celebrate. I didn’t even bother decorating this year. Every Christmasy thing I did this year basically felt like I was going through the motions because I knew that I should.
I haven’t even been reading much. I feel bad that I haven’t been reading much but I haven’t. Even doing that effortless thing that makes me happy has just felt like too much lately.
Yesterday I didn’t go to work. I should have. I need the money with all of my medical expenses climbing through the roof and me unable to pay my rent this month. But I couldn’t drag myself out of bed.
I stayed in bed most of the day. I played games on my phone and slept. Tried to not think about how much I really should have gone to work while also relieved that I didn’t. Yesterday would have been Hell at work because of the holidays.
Late in the afternoon, my boyfriend-who recently lost his job-left the apartment to go apply for a job he found that he wanted to apply for in person. He asked me to vacuum while he was gone.
I haven’t cleaned much lately. I love having a clean apartment. I feel really stressed when the apartment is dirty but, just like everything else, I just haven’t been able to make myself do it lately. But he had shaved his head and there was hair all over the floor. So I vacuumed. But I wanted to put down carpet powder first and that takes a few minutes to saturate. So, while I waited for it to permeate the carpet I started cleaning my room which I had not cleaned in a year.
It started out doing little things. I was only going to clean the side of my bed because there hasn’t been a walkway there in months so I was always tripping over trash and clothes and whatnot. Then it grew and grew and soon-with a small break to vacuum the rest of the apartment-my room was spotless. I cleaned out my bedside drawers. Took out about eight Walmart bags full of trash, dusted, cleaned out under my bed, vacuumed, found clothes that I had been wondering where they had gone, unpacked a box that has been sitting in my room since moving here which gave me room to put my clothes hamper so its not in the middle of the floor, hung up my Oblivion map, hung up my calendar, made my bed and when all was said and done I felt better.
I need to do the rest of my apartment. I’m going to do it in stages over the next couple of days. Probably my bathroom sink today, my living room tomorrow and my library the day after that.
I still feel heavy. I have a knot in my chest and stomach that won’t go away and a huge part of me just feels like everything I do is just going through the motions because I don’t have a choice. But waking up this morning and not having to hopscotch across my floor made me inexplicably happy.
Sometimes all you have is the little things, I guess. And sometimes that’s enough.