2015 has been a rough year. 2014 ended with my long time, love of my life boyfriend leaving me for someone else. 2015 didn’t start any better. Within a couple of months I developed health problems which kept me (and continue to keep me, though to a lesser extent) from working. Which means that I have been living paycheck to paycheck and not always able to pay all my bills. I was put on a medication that, when not destroying internal organs, made me gain a ton of weight I haven’t been able to lose yet and I’ve always been self conscious about how I look but I’ve never hated how I look quite so much as I do now.
Seriously. I sit in front of my full length mirror and cry because I know I used to pretty-ish and I used to be skinny. Objectively I know that I am more than my weight and more than what I look like but that’s not much comfort when I look in the mirror.
So I am not sad to see 2015 go. I will celebrate it’s end. I know that nobody wakes up on January 1st different than they were the night before, but new beginnings matter. Yes, you can have a new beginning on a Tuesday in the middle of the month-it’s just a mindset. But, for a lot of people, January 1st triggers that mindset. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
That being said I have some small goals for 2016. Nothing extreme. Things I am already working towards that I just want to renew my passion for. Some things I hope that saying out loud and sharing them with people will help me with.
1. Find something that fulfills me.
This is both an easy and a difficult task. I find that it’s hard for me to make time for things I really like an am passionate about if they require a lot of work. It’s a lazy, destructive mindset and it’s one I am working on changing. I don’t know what that extra hobby that is going to fulfill me will be yet. I want to be creative of some sort but I lack skill in most areas. Maybe I will find a class to take that will teach me something I want to learn or sign up for an online course. I find that my depression is somewhat abated when I am learning new things but typing “learn something new” into Google isn’t all that effective. I downloaded an app that was recommended on a Reddit thread that is pretty effective at teaching you a language (more reading than speaking) so that’s a start. I just need to find a crafts hobby that can fulfill the creative side of me that I might be able to be good at.
Maybe I’ll start making candles or something…
2. Find a job that I don’t hate going to.
I know that unless you have your dream career very few people like getting up in the morning for their jobs. I’m not looking-at this point-for a job of my dreams. I just want a job that I don’t feel is taking my soul to go to. One that I don’t find it so hard to get up for. I haven’t liked a lot of my previous jobs but I have never been so stressed it made me sick or felt so okay about not going in to a job before. Before my current job I never called in sick. Ever. But I was never as sick as I have been since starting here. I need a change. Badly.
3. Read more.
I’ve been in a bad reading slump for this year. Like I said, it’s been rough and, as much as I love reading, with how depressed I’ve been it’s been hard for me to focus on a book for very long.It’s much easier to lay on the couch and stare at the T.V. than to read. This is the first time in years I have read as few books as I have this year. It’s actually embarrassing for me. I have a plan, though. For 2016 I am participating in Pop Sugar’s Reading Challenge (you can find it here) I am doing the 2015 one because I liked it better than their new 2016 one. I printed out a copy and stapled it to pages I printed out where I can write down all of the books I’ve read for the year. They’re set up like this:
_______________ by____________ finished on __________
I can write down the details of the book after checking them off on my list. One thing I learned from NaNoWriMo is the satisfaction of doing updates like that. Of working towards a goal and knowing how long it would take me to get there if I wrote such and such words per day. I’m trying to adopt that into other facets of my life where I want improvement like reading, writing the rest of the year and exercise.
Most of my goals-which can be broken down beyond the above categories-just go to feeling better about myself and my life. I want to stop feeling useless and stupid and lazy.
My depression and anxiety will not be abated by these small changes I know but, I’ve noticed, when I am doing things like the above-things that make me a better person in my own eyes, my depression has a harder time getting a debilitating hold on me for very long.
So those are some of the things I will be working on as we end this awful year and start on a new one.
Here’s to new beginnings.