I never used to pay attention to National Suicide Prevention Week. It was-as I guess it is for most people-another week where a group of people somewhere are(semi-unsuccessfully) trying to raise awareness for a specific cause. And, where they are successful, it doesn’t last long.
The week passes and everyone moves on.
C’est La Vie.
So, for me, NSPW is not to raise awareness or start a dialogue or anything of the sort. If people see the drawings i do on my arm every year and want to inquire then I will engage them. But I don’t seek out those conversations.
The drawings(and eventual permanent tattoo) I do on my wrists are for me. To remind me that I’m still here. To remind me that there is hope even in the darkest hours.
I suffer a major depression disorder. It runs in my family along with addiction and the inability to speak in almost anything except sarcasm. Coupled with my depression is sever anxiety. I’m always worried that people I love-even my best friend and my boyfriend-secretly don’t like me.
i had to drive somewhere I had never been the other day and I couldn’t walk for a few minutes after I got there because my legs were too shaky.
Depression and Anxiety. Two mental disorders that lie to you. That distort your worldview. That make you think your life isn’t worth anything.
I struggle with those thoughts and worse every single day. I struggle with thinking how much better off people would be without me. If my brother hadn’t already killed himself I would have by now.
One of my coping mechanisms used to be to cut my wrists.
I call them my weak point.
This year I heard of “Project Semi Colon” People are getting tattoos of semi colons either as a reminder for themselves that life goes on or in tribute to people they have lost or who are struggling.
A semi colon is a place where the author could have chosen to end the sentence but chose to continue on.
As a writer, someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts and as someone who lost a sibling to suicide the movement spoke to me on many levels. So, this year for NSPW, I had my (fortunately artistic) boyfriend draw a semi colon butterfly (see above) on my left wrist covering some of my scars.
Life Goes On.
I’m going to get this tattooed in a few months but I think we are going to make the wings say HOPE.
For those who are struggling i want you to know:
Someone loves you. it may not seem like it at home or at work or at school. But someone loves you. You may have someone who follows your blog or your Facebook and lives for everything you post and you might not even know it.
Your life is worth living.
You have something to contribute to the world that no one else can.
It’s hard to see the light through the darkness. Sometimes-in all honesty-there isn’t any light for a very long time.
But you will continue. Because you are stronger than your depression. You are stronger than the people who would hold you down. You are strong. You are capable. You are worthy.
If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a private message. Or reach out to other blogs that you follow or even your own followers. The beauty of the internet is that there is always someone there to listen without judging.
I love you.