Let me preface this by saying that I have never really believed in New Years Resolutions. I think you are the same person at 11:59 on December 31st as you are at 12:01 January 1st. And if you didn’t have the motivation to complete your goals on December 31st, you probably still lack that motivation on January 1st.
Only 8% of New Years Resolutions are actually completed, did you know that? And there’s a reason for that. I love the idea but it’s flawed.
However,because of circumstances beyond my control I have actually found myself in a completely different position in 2015 than I was in 2014.
My boyfriend, love and best friend of 4 years recently decided he no longer wanted to continue down our relationship path. If I told you the reasons he gave me you would undoubtedly roll your eyes and tell me I’m better off without him. But he’s been my other half and my “one” for my entire adult life.
Regardless of the reasons, I now find myself alone and having to depend on only myself. I also find myself living alone for the first time in my life since I have lived with Sam since I moved from my Mom’s.
Let me also say that I suffer from severe depression. When I look at the world I am convinced that no one likes me or cares about me. I frequently go to bed and wish not to wake up (Even before Sam left) I imagine driving into Traffic and getting hit by a large car or other various ways that my life could end and I could be done with all of this. And there are days when I can’t get out of bed. Not “don’t want to get out of bed.” Can’t. So I’m terrible at taking care of myself. At making sure I eat and shower and I have basically no motivation to clean for myself. I kept Sam and my apartment clean because it made him happy which made me happy.
So living on my own is somewhat more challenging for me than it might be for someone with a healthy brain chemistry.
So, in the spirit of “New Year New Me” which I have been forced to under take, I made myself a list of things I want to own or do now that I am on my own. Some of the things are small like “Buy a canopy for my bed” because I have wanted a canopy for my bed for years but Sam didn’t want it. Some of the things are bigger like “Make a cleaning schedule. Clean something every day” When I have a routine planned out I can function better because I don’t feel lost where to start. I also want to start blogging weekly and reading more.
My heart won’t be ready to interact with another human beings for a very very long time at this point. If you can’t trust the love of your life when he says he loves you then who can you trust?
So the general gist of my Resolutions List is to take care of myself. Do things for *Me* Do things that make me happy by myself. Not do things for other people that make them happy. Doing things for people has always been a way for me to show affection. I feel good making other people feel good. But I get neglected in the process. It’s never bothered me. I was never upset at the fact that I couldn’t have a canopy over my bed. But neither did focusing on other people get me anywhere other than depressed, alone and lost.
I hate the above paragraph but it’s late, I just got off of work and I don’t feel like re-writing it. But I think you get the general message.
So here’s to a New Year. May I come to view this unfortunate and completely unexpected turn of events as positive sometime in the coming year.