Let the true tales from the North Pole continue.

-M and Cornelius-

Frosty was featured in Doctor Who. So you know how evil he really was. -Cornelius
Frosty was featured in Doctor Who. So you know how evil he really was. -Cornelius

 

For being one of the most beloved Christmas characters, those who actually met Frosty tended to hate Frosty the Snowman. He was the most self-righteous, arrogant combination of ice, coal, vegetables and magic that you would have had the misfortune to meet.

Probably the only one you would ever meet but that’s no excuse.

Frosty was notorious for parading up and down Snowflake Plaza ranting about global warming and the environment.

That’s right. He was an environmentalist.

Don’t get any ideas about nominating him for sainthood or anything. His motives were purely selfish. He was afraid of melting which, while being a valid fear for a snowman, is not worth sending trillions of non-ice based lifeforms into a global ice age. Which he would have done in a heartbeat to save himself.

Not him and his people. Himself. There are no other sentient Snowmen on the planet. And to that I say good riddance.

Frosty’s existence came about when some idiots traveling through the tundra happened upon the North Pole during it’s most magical time of the year. They made a snowman because, apparently, that is what people do when they see snow.

And ta da. There was Frosty.

The people who made him were never heard from again while Frosty remained. I’ll let you think about that one. Just know it was all speculation.

Nothing was ever confirmed.

When Santa and his merry band of elves came to the North Pole, Frosty welcomed them in and helped them build their village. Which he then started terrorizing.

Frosty would stop people on the street and yell at them for some imagined wrong Frosty had figured they had committed.  He would throw snow dyed red at people walking to work at Santa’s workshop, yelling slurs. He would call them murderers because the coal we were burning for energy was bad for the planet and was going to kill all the snowmen.

By all the snowmen he meant him.

He had even been accused(though we could never prove it) of kidnapping elves. Elves he would take a particular interest in would disappear. Never to be seen again.

Frosty was not a good…person…for lack of a better term.

Centuries passed and Frosty only got worse. Where he found his information was anyone’s guess, but eventually even Santa couldn’t abide him anymore and asked Frosty to leave.

Frosty left dejectedly. He did not leave quietly, mind you, but he did leave taking his soap box and his picket signs with him.

Everyone was relieved. Of course, the quiet couldn’t last.

Frosty reappeared a year later.

I remember sitting at home on my day off, watching my television in a fairly good mood. It was nearly Christmas time and we were all right on track for toy production. My Christmas tree was lit happily in the corner of my living room. All seemed right in the world.

Then Frosty showed up on a commercial. He was wearing his ridiculous top hat with a little pink flower sewed on the front and he was accompanied by none other than the Coca Cola bears.  They were pleading with people to limit their carbon footprint; to recycle and not use aerosol for any reason. It ended with some graphic of Frosty melting.

I’m not going to lie: for a second I was very hopeful.  Until I heard his voice narrating the end of the commercial and proclaiming it wasn’t too late and to follow the link to the website listed on the screen.

I sat in dumbfounded awe until the ringing phone snapped me out of my stupor.

It was Jack Frost(prior to his exile) and he was laughing.

“Orn, it’s Jack.” he said.

“Hey, Jack. Did you see what our old friend the snowman is up to?”

“I did. It gets better. Keep watching.” Jack could barely contain his delight at whatever was about to happen.

I stayed on the phone while I watched another commercial-this one was being filmed live a voice announced-and Frosty sauntered onto the screen. Sarah McLaughlin was playing in the background.

I wish I was kidding.

After he had meandered on to the screen, none other than the Abominable Snowman walked on behind him.

Let me just break for a moment to say that the Abominable Snowman gets a bad wrap but he wasn’t really a bad guy, just misunderstood. Like Bigfoot and the Yetti. He also hated Frosty as much, if not more, than the rest of us.

When I saw him standing there, beside the idiot in the top hat, a grin broke out across my face.

Frosty began his spiel yet again.  Same speech, different props, when all of a sudden Abominable bent down and bit off Frosty’s head . He chewed the snow slowly and then spit out a rumpled, dripping top hat. The rest of Frosty sat there, held up by his large base while Abominable stood there.

There was panic from the network. I could hear the camera man and the producers shouting orders, but all too afraid to move on the big, white furry beast.

It didn’t take long until a red and green “We are experiencing technical difficulties” text came up on my screen.

“You knew he was going to do that?” I asked Jack over the phone. Jack was trying to catch his breath. I think at one point he even dropped the phone.

“Yes.” he said between fits of laughter.

“How?” I was laughing as well.

“Abominable told me that Frosty tried to recruit him. And, while we were both all for saving the planet we were pretty tired of Frosty’s methods. Abominable suggested that the only way to kill a monster and be sure it was dead was to take its head. I may have encouraged him to try it.”

This may seem cold blooded. And, to a degree, it was. You shouldn’t go around killing people who disagree with you. But, sometimes, extreme measures do need to be taken. Abominable did what needed to be done.

Frosty was gone but magic endures.

Which leads me to the Frosty you know.

Frosty lived long enough to develop a soul.  It may have been mostly black, but it was a soul none-the-less.

Frosty was, however, a product of magic and not “divine intervention” so the soul was never full formed.

When frosty “died” , what existed of his soul, having nowhere else to go, jumped into the hat.

The hat was picked up by the win and carried hundreds of miles away to a small town in Colorado where some unfortunate kids found it just as they finished building a snowman.

They placed the hat on their new Frosty and the first thing he said ,(what would become his most famous catch phrase before he would once again begin trying to bring about an ice age) was:

“Happy Birthday.”

What was left of his soul may have been a little slow.

Hahaha.

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